Hard to believe but my birthday has just come and gone. Again. So fast. Maybe its just me but if you asked me what it would be like to be an adult 15 years ago I would have told you amazing ideas of freedom, money, women, and grandeur. If I knew then.... God hindsight is 20/20. Perhaps I would have just enjoyed the time I had instead of trying to rush headlong into it. Yeah and monkey might fly out of my butt.
Saying I am old is silly when you compare my ALMOST three decades to others but I cannot the word adult either. Ever since I was 21/22 I keep on expecting this is the year that I would wake up one day and realize that everything I have done till now is masturbation. Me just screwing around and not actually doing anything. Sure it was fun but... everyday I still wait for something to blindside me.
The problem with feeling this way is I know something is wrong but I refuse to actually sit down and acknowledge it. This is totally on me. Sure I can ask my friends but usually they are drinking and trashed right next to me. Plus they are thinking the same thoughts that I am. It is like the blind leading the blind. Actually that is not entirely true. There are a few friends that seem to have an idea on what I am truly looking for but when I ask my perfect image comes shattering down.
Every once in awhile I think on it and half expect my younger version to kick me in the ass but then work or rent or no money does that. Come to think of it that is my younger choices kicking me. Honestly I know the whole thing is just in my head but does that make it any less real?
Labels: jealousy, old age, unrealized dreams