Things Change

Recently I have been amazed at the things one can realize at 6 in the morning while sitting in front of your own house. After a night of drinking more than enough to achieve inebriation but less than you need to just go upstairs and pass out. You begin thinking, knowing nothing good can come of this, about your life, choices and suddenly it occurs to you: You have fucked up. Not in that “I need rehab” sort of way but in that “Life could be easier” way. That is the reason I started this blog right?

After waiting awhile I can put into words what has happened in the past few weeks. It has been about 5 weeks since I got back from vacation. Took me some time to write about my experience in California but it just teaches me to use my laptop for more than just sending IMs and looking up music and movies. Anyway within one week of coming back She broke up with me. I didn’t do anything. I can’t say I was surprised though, which has begun to upset me more. Like I said I did not do anything nor have I done anything to let her know how much she means to me. I took her for granted. It is hard to give anyone a reason to stay when all your examples of love are things you never said, or things you meant to do but didn’t.

Funny how things can change so quickly but can't be corrected as fast. We have talked in the interim but nothing has been resolved. I find myself needing to prove to her, and myself, that I am worth it. The longer I wait I feel as though I am just going to end up in the “friendship zone”. And once you are there it is hard as hell to escape. (Looking back we should have been friends to begin with. Maybe that is one of the problems.)