I have been having the strangest week of my life. One that I never thought I would be having. Technically I have not had it yet because it really has not happened yet. Anyway I have told my family and a few friends this and their reactions reassured me more than anything but you decide for yourself.
Last Saturday started like any other. I woke up hung over. Reviewing the course of the night and where exactly everything went downhill (it was the shots by the way) I began to reassure myself that this was going to be the last time. I was a changed man. An adult now and yada yada yada. We have all had this conversation before and we know the outcome but its nice to try and fake it. Anyway a delivery to me of a lovely postcard from a friend featuring 4 topless Tahitian women (Thanks C. I have it up on the fridge. I am sure the kids downstairs are going to giggle extra hard when next they see me. I swear I thought I said "hi" in my postcard. Next time. Need your new address though.) reminds me that I should probably pick up the mail. I have gotten a few tickets or reminders of outstanding tickets over the last week so it would probably be a good idea to check on that. Smile on my face, Burger King in hand (I said I would give up Mickey D's besides Burger King is farther away and the exercise did me good....I don't have to justify myself to you) I grab the mail. Bill, bill, junk mail....hmmm....official looking paperwork from some county in NJ. Lets see what they sent.
Have you ever noticed when opening mail you always scan to see who its from first or very quickly see if you can get the gist of it without actually having to read. For a few seconds you really don't register what the letter is really about. You probably did it when you opened this blog. Then it hits you. You owe us taxes! Yikes thats a surprise. Well for me same thing except the letter is telling me that I have been summoned to court. Civil action summons for child support and paternity hearing!!!! What the fuck is going on?
So after I regained consciousness I had to reread this lovely piece of literature as if I was studying for a test. Technically I am. Failure is the only option. Just to give you the finer points I have to take off a day of work, go to court in the morning because failure to appear will result in a bench warrant for my arrest (remember they have my address so the chase is not going to be that long), appear before a judge so that I can say the following: "I have no idea why I am here. Who is this woman? I have never met her before in my life. I hate Jersey so why the hell would I sleep with a chick from there. You got the wrong guy. My name is spelled incorrectly on this summons and that means your looking for someone else.....blah blah blah.". Or I should point out that this is eventually what I would figure out once I stopped having a heart attack. In reality I spent the next 30 minutes to and hour constantly reviewing in my mind of whether I actually could be the father. Its funny how even after reviewing and re-reviewing the short list (Hey growing up I thought why should I have to approach anyone) of potentials you begin to think maybe holding hands does make someone pregnant. The problem with that or any other theory was I don't even know this girl.
The rest of the weekend was a blur. I do remember spending most of the weekend upset and ashamed. That really is the worst part. Something I did not even do had the ability to make me feel bad. Part of me was angry but mostly I thought about what my friends and family would say. Would they believe me? Hell would my girlfriend believe me? Would all of them be suspicious? Just even thinking this was the really idiotic part. When I told my girlfriend she started laughing. My mom, and the friends that I told all started laughing. On one hand I was relived that they had faith in me and immediately knew the accusation was bullshit. Hell I doubted me so seeing them not doubt it is reassuring. On the other hand these assholes doubt my prowess. At least question me about it. I mean I am pimp after all. Okay then maybe not but still its a stab to my ego. Anyway after speaking with them my outlook has been more upbeat. I am kind of down about it still but not like before.
So thats the story. At least the start of it. Until my court date I am going to speak about this for awhile but for now I am just glad to get it off my chest. Its has gotten me thinking a lot about the court system and our culture so I am going to give some voice to it also.

Update: After some confusion with a friend of mine I have decided to clarify something: I AM NOT THE FATHER. UNLESS SOMEONE THAT I SLEPT WITH CHANGED THEIR NAME I DO NOT KNOW THIS PERSON. That is all.


Michael Konrad said…
yo, get a lawyer!
she's so fresh! said…
forget a lawyer, get on jerry springer!